Current mood:	depressed
Entry tags:	bento, grief

General bad-day ness
Sorry for not posting in a while. It's been hard to get back into the swing of things; I didn't realise just how hard papa's death would be to cope with, how much I would miss someone I was seeing every day for a while. I cried every day for a couple weeks before I felt like doing anything...bento was about my only hobby. It was something that didn't have memories attached to it. It was new.



And I love making bento now, but I still miss papa. I wake up sometimes in the early hours of the morning crying, or cry in the shower, or when no one is around. When I visit mama, I keep looking for papa sitting in his favourite chair; the TV that was always on when he was there is more and more often sitting turned off. The house has been completely rearranged - most of his things are gone - like he was erased. Mama's going to a singles group and calling herself by a different name now; after how inconsolable he was at the funeral, the younger brother is eloping and moving out and seems to be completely ok now, the youngest brother is rather distant away in college and I haven't heard anything about him struggling at all.

I know the hubby feels it, but even he seems to have moved on ok. Problem is, I haven't. I only had 2-ish years with papa. I still miss him, desperately; I want to cling to all those memories, I want to feel him close, see him smile at me when I come visit, hear him gently encourage me to overcome my fears and cheer when I succeed without impatience at all. I want to hug him goodnight again. It bothers me, like it hurts, that everyone else seems to be so over it already. I feel completely alone in my grieving. I feel like mama's disassociating herself from him by adopting another name, I feel angry that the bro is eloping and refusing to have any family there, I feel angry that none of them seem to notice that I'm not ok.

Please understand - it's COMPLETELY my emotions speaking. Rationally, I KNOW they've been grieving and seeing this coming for a long, long time, that to them this is almost a relief, but for me, it's not. I know they want to move on, and rationally I don't begrudge them that - but I hate being the only one not ok. I hate that mama and everyone don't even seem to realise I'm still mourning. I hate that with him gone, the family seems to have disintegrated and I don't seem to have a single damn friend I can talk to about it - I have one friend on Yahoo I can talk to, but -

I had one friend who was 'thinking' about visiting me, but now she's pregnant and her brain is focussed on "OOOH BABIES" and though I try to sound happy and interested for her, I really don't CARE. Just about all my classmates from college have a baby already, are pregnant, or are trying to get pregnant. And without making this into a rant about people who think that a marriage must have babies to be validated, it is AWFULLY hard to find a couple to be friends with and hang out with when they have babies and you don't. When they have babies they only TALK about babies. They want YOU to have babies so you can talk baby-dom with them. They think you blaspheme when you say "I don't plan to have babies" - and without parenthood to bind you, you suddenly have nothing to say.

And that bothers me, 'cause she was a really close friend. It feels like I've lost papa, my family, and my friends in a tiny space of time, and I'm flailing. I desperately wish i had friends NEAR me, people I could visit, hub, laugh with, cry with. People who'd cook with me, play video games with me, go to museums and parks and let me be a friend to them back. But I think I'm starting to believe it's impossible.


In an attempt to be cheerful, and because I promised Mnem that I'd post, I'm still making bento - made 60 of them now, in fact. And I've dropped one size just from healthy food and portion control. Amazing isn't it?

This is my newest pinnacle of bento greatness:

This is not a 'real' bento box - it's a pencil box I've had since gradeschool, with a handy center divider. It's a little too big for a traditional men's bento, I think, but it's about right for the skinny hubby's voracious appetite. Anyway, I am SO proud of the way it came out. Rice done with rice cubers; alternating black sesame seed and homemade carrot-egg furikake. In the green cup is my first attempt at tamagoyaki (rolled omelette) with shredded crabstick in it. It's really good! Then there's cucumber flowers with strawberry, and a few slices of the cucmber 'negatives' to fill space. Parsley garnishes. Not shown, a sidecar with the rest of the cuke negatives and some cookies.


This I'm showing because it's my favourite new bento box from shoppingkawaii.com or something. Cost $18 and shipping, but it's SO adorable. It has grape tomatoes, green beans, and a tamagoyaki heart in the top half of the first tier. Second half has another tomato, half a strawberry, cucumber slices under 40 spices hummus with cuke and tomato garnish. Second tier is sticky white rice with carrot and egg furikake. Pocky in the lid.


And this is my other bento box, with a matching side car. Food isn't worth mentioning, except for the fact that the sprouts I grew myself, and cantaloupe melon balls are AMAZING when sprinkled with ginger sugar.

Some other notables:
Hubby bento with onigiri and melon balls and meat wraps

Molded onigiri with melon balls and a grape flower - so pretty

Spinach salad, veggie fritatta thing, fruit salad and veg

Lame Pikachu Charaben

Sandwiches make cute bento, too

Under da Sea!

Oodles o Noodles (with some meat and veg)

Sonic the Hedgehog Charaben for the hubby