InsaneJournal

I know no one really reads my journal anymore, but humor me, if you do. I need to ....vent, rant a little. I'm hurting a bit.

I think you may know my papa is dying. My father in law, but so very precious to me. He hugs me, smiles when I come over, talks to me, encourages me, cheers me on. He believed in us when I started dating his son, and when we married he was there and gave a blessing. But for all of that - I have relatively few memories with him. I don't have those inside jokes that all the rest of the family has.

What I do have is silliness - making papa and the others laugh. I tease papa about threatening to paint his nails, about petting his head and getting him to pet my head, about making him animal socks....it's all I have. It always makes me smile.

But today, the younger brother told me to stop saying that stuff, that it's "Not funny, and they all hated it, him included". it hurt - a lot. And it took me a few minutes before it sunk in that to me, he was challenging the only real bond I have with papa beyond being "the hubby's wife". And I couldn't help realising, bitterly, that the brother in law has ALWAYS made fun of - mocked, not been just 'teasing' - my interaction of papa. Mama caught papa petting my head on tape, and he kept threatening to lose it, and telling papa to not humor me....

I am also a little upset too that of everyone but the youngest little brother (who just flew home, and is wonderful) has had time to talk to papa and say their last farewells - on phone, if nothing else. But since he went in the hospital, I never had a moment alone with him when he was awake and lucid. And he went downhill so fast! No one expected this. Not at all...

It hurts but I keep telling myself it's ok. And it is ok, not getting to talk to him privately for a few lucid minutes. I have always made a point of saying what needs to be said without waiting, so papa knows all the important things from me: I love you, thank you, I'm sorry, we won't forget, we'll take care of each other. But what RUBS is that none of the family members asked if I needed time with him, or gave me a few private minutes, and now he's not really lucid. That, and followed up by the brother sort of attacking my only link to papa....hurt.

I know papa's ready to go. Little things he's saying - he's been sick and suffering for so long. It's just so very very hard to say goodbye and let go of a man so close to our hearts.