I know I haven't posted in forever. Most of you probably think I'm dead. I don't know how much I'll be posting from now on, and I have at least one fic I want to post in my journal before I entirely vanish, but I wanted to let my fandom friends know what was going on, for what it's worth.

My papa, my father-in-law, is dying. He's in the last stages of renal failure, and dialysis isn't working very well - and he's in a lot of pain. Constant pain. He's also unable to walk more than a few feet, he can't feel his feet and hands, he can barely see, and he can't eat his favourite foods. The medicines for pain means he sleeps a lot, when the pain actually lets him sleep.

It's hard. We're all trying to take care of him as best we can, but he's tired. We're tired. And it ended up with hospice being called.

Probably around Easter break, when the little brother can come home from college, he'll go off dialysis and have done with pain, suffering....and life.

It's hard to watch him suffer. It's hard for us to let him go. Even harder, to smile and cherish these last days without tears so he will have no regrets.

It's hard to feel selfish and want more time with him, and feeling guilty for wanting more time when he just wants to go, to be done with all this.



It's been rough, overall. Some days I spend from 9 am to 9 pm cleaning and cooking and watching over papa, and people come home grumpy and sour and complain about what I haven't gotten done, and I feel like shite. Or someone explodes and rants at me - and then I wonder why I'm even here. The younger brother pretty much told me that I was no good because i didn't have a 'real job, didn't drive a car, and was afraid of living in the city....that the only good thing I've done is marry his older brother. And the older brother/hubby didn't defend me at all....

I also had a sore spot triggered in the way of old bitter memories when someone joined facebook and friended me and others just to upload and flaunt their baby-bump pictures and sonograms. I mean, come on....you didn't care enough to keep in touch after college, in spite of phonecalls and emails you didn't return, you promised a card/gift for my wedding and then sent nothing (oh, you were too 'busy' to come to it), and then, bint-that-you-are, you pop up after 4 years and expect me to be happy-happy-joy-joy over your bloody offspring?

Problem is, this is a repeat problem. SO MANY BRAINLESS PEOPLE pull this stunt, and my response is always the same: "NO, I'm not buying a card, a gift, or coming to your baby shower to 'celebrate' your spawn, any more than I'd show up to the shower of someone whose name and location I do not know, so shut the hell up and get out of my life like you did so HAPPILY before!"

....Just needed to rant a little. After almost 2 years here in the city, I still have no friends. I pwn patheticness. No wonder I have no defenders.

What do you say when you hear him ask mama, "Will you snuggle with me when I'm dying?"

When the hubby and brothers ask, "What do you say to someone you won't talk to again until you're dead?"

When the people who visit, knowing they won't be able to visit again before he's gone, ask, "What do I say? What can I do?"

I love you. Thank you. I'm sorry. I'll take care of the others. It seems to cover the bases, but still seems inadequate for such a great man.